Endless Night
by Just A Realistic Dreamer
Summary: First chapter of Twilight/Midnight Sun from Jasper's POV


I was thirsty.

As much as I tried to think about something else that thought was obsessing me, as was the burning in the back of my throat, and the hunger that twisted my stomach…

How long was it since we had hunted for the last time? Two weeks, maybe? It felt like years…

My eyes were nearly black, instead of the liquid gold they usually were when I had eaten, and I had to restrain myself every time a human came too close to my liking.

Human blood… After all this time, I still remembered perfectly how it tasted.

I struggled to think about other things… The way I was ruled by my instincts disgusted me. But it had been worse, _before, _and maybe someday I'd be able to be like the others.

Yeah, right.

In a few centuries.

I closed my dark eyes a moment, wishing I could get away from the crowded cafeteria, away from humans and their tempting smell. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was so tired of being the weakest, the burden, the possible threat to our secret…

I didn't regret the choice to chance my lifestyle, though. I never do. If I hadn't done it, who knew where I would be right now? I shuddered mentally at the thought. Return to solitude and hopelessness, after leading a peaceful life and having known the love of a family? And Alice… If not for me, then I had to be strong for my love. I knew she would follow me wherever I went, but how could I take away the happiness she had here? I turned slightly to look at her, sitting beside me, and suddenly noticed the concern radiating from her. I had been too caught in my thought to notice it… What a lame empath I was. It was concern for me, obviously. At that moment, her attention was focused on Edward, and I knew she was asking him to listen to my thoughts, to see if I was coping…

I hated it, the way I wasn't able to hide my weakness from them… Or maybe I just hated to be weak.

Another wave of thirst hit me without warning and made me forget where I was and what I was thinking merely a moment ago.

I could only see that girl I hadn't been paying attention to before: she was so close, she wouldn't stand a chance if I tried something…I could have reached her in less than a second.

I knew it was stupid, that my siblings would catch me before I got to her, but I couldn't stop myself of planning different ways to kill her… I could already taste her blood, feel her die. And then…

I was distracted by a kick on my chair before I could end my thoughts, but maybe it was better that way. My eyes met Edwards' dark gold ones for a moment (he was obviously hungry too), and I lowered them in shame as guilt flooded over me, erasing everything else for a brief moment. I muttered an apology.

I didn't really know whom I was apologizing to. To Edward, who had to baby-sit me? To Alice, whose trust I had nearly betrayed? To the young teen I would have killed without remorse?

I was ashamed of myself, once again. Yet, a little voice screamed deep within me. Screamed that it wasn't fair, that I shouldn't try to deny who I was, _what_ I was. I had to repress the urge to slam my head against the frail cafeteria table, and the only thing that kept me from doing it was the more rational side of me that told me it would do more damage to the furniture than it would do to me. Alice's soft musical voice brought me back to realty.

"You weren't going to do anything", she told me. She was lying, I knew it, but it still soothed me. "I could see that."

She continued, but I hardly listened, still feeling horrible.

"Her name is Whitney. She has a baby sister she adores. Her mother invited Esme to that garden party, do you remember?"

"I know who she is."

My reply was harsh, but I knew my soul mate well enough to know she wouldn't care. I turned to look out the window, clearly ending the conversation and heard her sigh. It made me feel worse than I already did (I hadn't thought it was possible, but apparently, it could _always _get worse) but she understood how I felt, as she always did, and left. I concentrated on her a moment, just to be sure I hadn't hurt her.

Nothing had changed: she was concerned, nothing else. I used my unusual ability to send her a calming wave, and felt her relax. Then, not knowing what to do to distract myself, I let my mind wander, listening to my siblings' feelings. We were all sitting at the same table, but we hadn't exchanged a word for a while.

First, there was Edward, my bronze haired younger brother. If he was physically was the youngest, but he had been seventeen since 1918, and the first one to join Carlisle, our "father" and the leader of the family. He was bored, as usual, and I envied the way he could control himself so easily. He hardly ever felt anything else during the day.

Emmet was annoyed. Wasn't he over the fact I had beaten him last night yet? He was strong, stronger than any other of us, but his direct attacks were quite easy to predict and I wasn't born yesterday… Or in the last century (in 1843, to be precise). I frowned. He would surely want a rematch… Too bad I really wasn't in the mood for it.

As for Rosalie… She was self-conscious, no surprise there. I think she had seen her reflection in something… She truly was beautiful (I'd rather die than tell her, though. She doesn't need more compliments), even if I was so used to see her I hardly ever noticed it. Feeling what she felt was always awkward, and involved thinking about myself, which I'd rather avoid doing.

I turned my attention back to the outside. I would go hunting tonight. I knew two weeks wasn't that long for the others, but I couldn't take it anymore. Frustration joined thirst and guilt in my mind, and I was pretty sure that if it continued longer, my head would explode. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad, though. Maybe I wouldn't hurt anymore.

No.

It would mean leaving Alice.

Dear Alice… She was always somewhere on my mind. She was my link to this life (no, not life, existence), the one who kept me sane. How ironical it was. After all, wasn't she the one who had visions of the future, the freak amongst freaks? Thinking about her helped me forget everything else and I was lost in my thoughts for a while before Rosalie's voice broke through my concentration. Was lunch period finally ending?

Beside me, my two brothers talked about the new girl. What was her name already? Isabella? I hadn't seen her yet, but I couldn't care less. She was just another human after all. One amongst hundreds of others. It was entertaining to see how her arrival had managed to make every student excited, though. Humans were so emotional… Way too emotional. It drove me crazy sometimes.

I noted a sudden change in Edward's feelings and wondered about what could bother him, but I didn't ask. If there was something wrong, I would know soon enough.

I threw my untouched lunch away and followed my "twin" out of the cafeteria. I had most of my classes with Emmet or Rosalie, sometime with both.

So they could keep an eye on me, in case I lost control.

It was only a precaution, I knew it, but it added to my feeling of uselessness. Our class was in another building and once outside, I could think more clearly.

I've always found it ironical that the member of the family I could least relate to was supposed to be my blood sister (we pretended the others were our adopted siblings). It wasn't that I didn't love Rose, but we were so different… We did look more or less alike physically (we were both blonde and rather tall) but she was two years younger than me when she had been turned into a vampire, and I was about nine decades older than she was. While she had been with the Cullens since her creation, I had lived a _completely_ different life before (and I would have given anything to forget about it). But what made us completely different was the fact that she had an "almost clean record", as she liked to say (meaning she had never succumbed to the temptation, never had drunk human blood, even as a newborn.)

Needless to say, I was jealous of her perfect control over her instincts.

"Jasper? Maybe you should go home, or wait in the car for the rest of the day, if it's too hard for you."

My eyes shot up to hers, and I searched her voice for sarcasm, but I found none. There was definitely something wrong with me, if even the self-centered Rosalie was concerned. Maybe I should listen to her…

But it would mean giving up, and my ego wouldn't let me do that. I simply ignored her, and hid a smirk as she pretended to be offended. Hadn't she understood yet she there was no way she could possibly fool me? Still, I considered apologizing to her later, when I was in a better mood. She could hold a grudge for years… And no one (especially me) wanted to be around when she was mad.

Time seemed to stretch as I half listened to the teacher speaking about global warming. I usually paid attention to most of my classes (not that I really learned anything new) but I had more important things on my mind for the moment… Like resisting the temptation of killing the girl sitting next to me. I kept shifting my gaze between the clock that hung on the wall and her, not even pretending pay attention, and I could feel it annoyed the teacher. I had already more than enough impatience of my own, so I just reflected it at him, increasing it exponentially. I knew he wouldn't cause me trouble: humans usually left us alone, since we rarely talked to them and always had near perfect grades (not that we were geniuses, but it wasn't the first time we went to school…)

The teen caught me staring at her and blushed. I had to look away and close my eyes for a moment to regain control over myself.

I pitied her. I felt her nervousness and excitation, and couldn't help wondering what her reaction would be if she knew exactly _why_ I had been looking at her. I doubted she would be pleased. I soothed her before she could blush again and sighed soundlessly.

A glance at the clock made me sigh again, but this time it was from relief. My nightmare would end in a few minutes. Then, there would be another class, but I was near Emmet during that one, and I would only have to worry about his frustration toward me. After that, I would go hunting and everything would be fine… For a few days, at least.

I thought about the violent emotions I had felt at the beginning of the hour. They weren't mine, that much I was sure of… But whose, then? Surely it couldn't be a normal student's. The only other possibility was a member of my family, but it was hard to believe something would have made Alice, Edward or Emmet react so strongly. As for Rosalie, she was perfectly calm, if not bored out of her mind.

The bell rang before I could reach any conclusion and I gathered my things swiftly to leave. I pushed my thoughts aside as I searched for Alice while staying as far as possible from other students, which wasn't as easy as it sounded.

In fact, I wasn't the one who found her. She found me, as usual. I suspected her of having watched what my every move during the time we were apart, but I didn't ask. I knew I would have done the same thing in her place.

As soon as she was in my sight, I felt calmer. She stretched to reach me and I took her hand, like the first time we met. When I first saw her, when she brought hope and joy into my lonely life. I still think of it as the best day of my long existence (humanly speaking). Except maybe for our wedding day, when she became Alice Whitlock. Or when we met the Cullens. I still remember like it was yesterday the look on their faces when they had returned from a hunt to see Alice sitting in the living room as if she had always been there.

The memory made me smile, and she was immediately happier. Even after all those years we had spent together, the way we affected each other still bewildered me.

We stayed unmoving, just staring in each others' eyes, as humans passed beside us, whispering between them how weird we were. I had to admit we were an unusual duo: I was tall and she pretty short. She tended to be overly enthusiastic I was rather calm, to name only a few things that made us completely different. Somehow, we still managed to get along perfectly.

The bell rang, and I blinked. Where had the time gone? We would be late for our next classes, doubtlessly, but it didn't matter. What was worth an hour of detention when we had eternity? She smiled to me one last time and withdrew her pale hand from mine, turned away and left. I stared at her until she had disappeared; mesmerized as always by the silent and graceful way she walked.

The next hour was mainly frustrating. For Emmet, who _absolutely _wanted a rematch (he was too often around Rosalie, he was getting as stubborn as her), for the teacher (I had interrupted her in the middle of a speech when I arrived, and the way I exchanged whispers with my brother was slowly but surely driving her mad), for me, obviously, because it seemed that time was slowing on purpose, and for the about every teenager in the room, because I couldn't contain all my exasperation and let it invade them. After the bell rung, I managed to convince the teacher I was terribly sorry to have disturbed her class (it was amusing, the way she would have probably jumped out the window if I had told her to), and left as fast as I could without attracting unwanted attention.

I met the others in the parking, at Edward's Volvo. Even if most of us had our personal cars, we used his to go to school. It was by far less conspicuous than the others, and yet it contrasted strangely with the other (mostly second-handed) vehicles the humans owned.

I was distracted from my thought when a mix of anger, confusion, fear, thirsts and a few other feelings I couldn't identify crashed into me, shortly followed by my younger brother, leaving me stunned. He slid into the driver seat without a word, ignoring Alice.

Just what could have happened to him? He seemed to be suffocating, and I didn't understand why. We didn't _need _to breathe, even if we still did it as a habit from our previous life

"What the hell happened to you?" Emmet was the one to say aloud what we all thought, as usual. Edward didn't answer and started the car, accelerating as fast as he could and apparently desperately trying to get as far as possible from the school. I tried to decipher what he was feeling, in hope of finding something to help me understand what was going on, but I quickly gave up, dizzied by the emotional storm inside him.

After I had managed to collect my thoughts, I turned to stare at Alice questioningly. She shrugged, and apparently she hadn't seen it coming either.

"You're leaving?" Alice's whispered words broke the heavy silence.

Wait, what? Edward? Leaving?

"Am I?"

Rosalie, Emmet and I turned our eyes to him, still waiting for some kind of explanation. Everyone's confusion and concern smothered me and I tried to calm them, without results. I was too tense myself to be able to relax the others, and it annoyed me even more. Why was I always useless when I was needed? I felt like I was drowning in emotions that, for the most part, weren't my own.

I couldn't follow the conversation anymore, and my brain only registered a few words here and there.

The car finally stopped and I swiftly got out of the car, followed by the others who were too bothered by our brother to notice the strange way I acted.

As I finally regained control over myself, I understood the last words Alice and Edward exchanged:

"You will do the right thing. She's Charlie Swan's only family. It would kill him too."

He agreed, but he didn't seem convinced.

At that moment, I understood. Edward, whose control over himself I admired, had been tempted by the new girl. How was it possible? I was too surprised to be glad someone else was having trouble to control their thirst. Alice joined us and we disappeared into the wood before the silver Volvo had started again. We ran toward our house, all silent for a while.

"So… What happened?"

It was Emmet, once again. Alice hesitated a moment, and I put a comforting hand on her shoulder. She seemed shaken, and I knew why. She was so used to know everything, and suddenly something big happened before she had the slightest idea about it.

"I… I'm not sure. He's going to Denali, and I don't know when he'll be back." He would probably stay with the Denali clan, another coven of "vegetarian" vampires who lived in an isolated part of Alaska for a while. I suppressed a sigh. How were we going to explain it to Esme? Our "mother" loved all of us, but we all knew she had a thing for Edward, since he was her first son.

"But why? What happened?"

"It's the Swan girl… Her blood affects him too much." She frowned, worried. "He… He considered killing her."

Emmet and Rosalie exchanged a glance, and I was speechless for a while. I knew every human's blood tasted differently to my siblings (for some unknown reason, it was all the same to me), but it had only happened twice (and both times to Emmet), that one of us was so attired by someone's blood so strongly it was nearly impossible to resist… We were all lost in our own thoughts for a while as silence reinstalled itself.

"A human? That's why he left?" This time it was Rosalie, disbelief and anger apparent in her voice. I flinched and calmed her, not wanting an argument to start.

Once we were silent again, I begun to feel my thirst more intensely, and I was torn between going hunting and staying with my family. I knew my talent would be useful, but if I was too thirsty to use it… I looked at my love, my brother and my sister for a while. Surely they would manage to break the news to Esme? I winced. Emmet and Rosalie weren't the best persons for the task, and I didn't want to leave Alice alone with it. As if she had read my thoughts, she turned to face me.

"Jazz, go hunting." Her voice was quiet, but it was an order more than a request. Had she seen something in the future? "We'll be fine."

Ah. She was probably tired of seeing me change my mind every few seconds. It nearly made me smile, but I nodded with a sigh.

"I won't go too far. Call me if there's something, okay?"

She merely smiled and assured me once again that everything would be fine as I glanced toward my siblings.

"Anyone else coming?" Rosalie shook her head, but Emmet hesitated. He was never able to resist the perspective of a hunt, but with his wife in such a bad mood... He ended up declining my offer. I promised them I would be back before dawn, kissed Alice and disappeared deeper into the woods.

As I ran between the trees, searching for a potential prey, I couldn't help rethinking about that day's events. It had been such a long time since something had interrupted our quiet lives… I really hoped everything would be all right and that we wouldn't have to move so soon (we had to do it every few years, because the fact we never aged was too suspicious).

The breeze brought me the scent of a deer and I forgot all my worries, letting my instincts take control.

**It's my first fic (well, the first one I finished...), and english isn't my first language, so I'd love reviews! **

**Please let me know if you think Jasper and the others are in character or not. **


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